Open Letter to Mars, Inc.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I'd like to begin by offering my most profound gratitude and humblest thanks for the gift you selflessly created for us all: M&M chocolate candies.

Those sassy little chocolate spheres delicately sheathed in candy coating, patiently waiting, waiting to melt - "in your mouth, not in your hands!" - my God, they melt my heart.

A sad note here - I confess to you now that a dark fate, in the form of a deathly allergy, has led me to enjoy only the nutless variety of your delicious confections. I can only say, "Fuck you, universe," for that one, as I feverishly contemplate death by M&M's.. but I digress.

Recently, you introduced to a certainly eager public the latest evolution of M&M's - the Mega M&M. Of course, I was among the first in my community to buy a bag, having spent the past several months anxiously tracking the progression of the Mega's from the creative space to the marketplace.

My hands were trembling with such anticipation that, as I sat in the car of the Wal-Mart parking lot, they could barely tear the packaging open in the manner I prefer - the removal of an inch-long and wide corner so as to ensure pourability into one's mouth while also lessening the chance of spillage. Anyway.

I poured into an expectant palm perhaps seven of the Mega M&M's and was immediately struck by their... lack of "mega"-ness. Had it not been for my undeniable familiarity with the weight, etc. of your product, and the new palette of colors introduced, I might have actually mistaken them for regular-sized M&M's.

I am so sorry. But these M&M's.. they were not mega! Not by any stretch of my hopeful imagination! I had dared dream of a chocolate to candy coating ratio greater than before! I had fantasized M&M's as big as one's fist, or a housecat, or a house!

Let me close in saying that I remain optimistic, as I'm sure that many critiques such as this one have reached your ears by now (it did take me two weeks to pen this, as I spent the first two days in a catatonic stupor and then there was the time in the hospital, and the issues with getting released on my own recognizance.. but anyhoo). Please, be aware that we, your adoring public, will not fault you for sheepishly pulling these back into the lab for retooling. No one will think less of you.

Yours in chocolate (and multi-colored candy coating),
Me.