“You should never be embarrassed by your trouble with livin
Because it’s the ones with the sorest throats who’ve done the most singin”

Yeah, I guess I’m ashamed. Or scared. I tend to hide my lows from most people, just give them the highs. The highlights, maybe. MelissaLite. I’m so about to break the rules and have a cigarette in my room, because I’ve been lolling around in my pajamas, trying half-heartedly to sleep, but they’re having a party outside and I can’t quite unwind in here. I can’t go out there, either, not looking sort of weepy and with greasy bangs.

I wonder if this is the right way to handle when I get in one of these moods – listening to mellow/mournful music and letting a tear slide down every once in awhile. Reaching out for a muse while I’m at it. Lately, for the past year or so, my method was to just sleep it off, ignore the sense of numbness until it passed. I guess at first that seemed better because it was less emotional, but I’ve changed my mind for the same reason. Not crying for months at a time seemed really unnatural. I was afraid I was going to explode at some random, wildly inappropriate time. Not to mention, I’ve never been less creative as during this past year.

So. Here we are again. Tangled up in blue. Is it going to be like this forever? The rest of my life seems like a really long time to be going through these periods. And it’s irritating, really, even when I do open up to people about struggling with depression, they think they’re depressed, too. And who am I to say? But I don’t think they are. I think they’re sad. I don’t think they know what depression is, the overriding apathy. Most of ‘em, anyway.

But for godsakes, no one would want to be my friend if I were this mopey all the time. So I just stay home, socialize as little as possible, when I feel this way. I kinda wouldn’t mind going out for a drive, just smoke a few cigarettes, listen to a bit more music, drift for a while. Get out of the house. Maybe by the time I come back, these drunk college kids’ll be gone.

I wasn’t going to put this on my blog, because like I said, it’s my first impulse to keep my more morose thoughts to myself. But what the hell, really.